Words I never said
by Anotherhumanbeing
Summary: He takes her hand in his, brings it to his lips and then trails his thumb over her knuckles. He prays to God, prays to Zeus, prays to every other god he knows, for her. Because she can't die. His mind goes back to the events of this morning. He remembers that he didn't say 'I love you' to her. And he is now drowning in his regrets. (Chapter 4, just added something to the A/N)
1. Chapter 1

They are having a fight, again, because of her job, because she almost died today. If it wasn't Ryan or Esposito she would be dead. It wouldn't be their suspect's body in the body bag but hers. And it makes him mad that she always puts her job first and then her life, _their _life.

Here they are now, standing opposite each other, both lost in their own thoughts. He wants to apologize for yelling at her the whole night but he won't, 'cause she needs to understand, needs to know how he feels. He can't loose her now that he has her.

Silence fills the room.

He doesn't know what to say, what do, so he stays quiet and lets her make the next move. He hides his face in his hands, exhales loudly, and closes his eyes.

He waits.

Until he hears a noise and opens his eyes again, only to see Beckett walking up the stairs. Heading to the guest room, he assumes.

Sleep.

Yeah, sleep seems to be the right thing to do right now. It's 2 am. He rises from his seat and walks to his bedroom, _their _bedroom. Turning off the lights, he lays under the covers and falls asleep. It scares him that she didn't say anything else. It scares him even more that she didn't say ''I love you'' when she went to sleep.

Tomorrow. He will apologize. Tomorrow he will fix their relationship. He will try. Tomorrow.

He wakes up early in the morning. Restless. Nightmares and bad dreams didn't let him sleep that night. Not when he sees himself at the scene, watching as she falls to the ground with a bullet to her heart. Because if she wasn't wearing her vest, she wouldn't be here now.

He opens the door of his office and sees her already dressed and ready for work.

''Morning'' she says but there is no emotion behind it. Anger flashes in his eyes again, but sadness too.

''Morning'' he answers back with the same tone. He goes to the kitchen, makes two coffees , what he always does, every day the same routine. When he finishes, he hands her one. She smiles and accepts it, he doesn't smile back, because he is still angry and it feels wrong to be mad at her.

He is sitting at his chair, laptop on his lap. He won't go with her today, he needs some time for himself, she agrees and doesn't say anything else as she puts her gun in the holster and her badge on her waist.

He glances at her as she opens the door and finds her looking back at him. He shallows hard and quickly looks away.

''I love you, bye'' he hears her say, standing still for a couple of minutes at the door waiting for the same reply, but none came.

She leaves. This time they didn't wake up together. This time she didn't kiss him for goodbye, this time he didn't say that he loves her back.

It's nearly 6 pm when he hears a knock on his door. Confused for a second. Who could it be? He saw her taking her keys with her this morning. He opens the door, and finds two familiar faces staring back at him.

Tears in their eyes, blood on their clothes, blood on their hands. The color drains from his face.

He asks what happened, they tell him everything went wrong. They went to make an arrest, it turned out that their suspect wasn't alone. Beckett took the front and they took the back. They heard gunshots, and they were too late. She took two to the chest. He almost faints.

After six hours, sitting at one of the hospital chairs the doctor comes out to speak with them. Gives them hope by saying that the surgery went good, kills it then by saying that she might crash any minute now.

She looks so small, so vulnerable, so fragile but at the same time so beautiful to his eyes, laying on the hospital bed. He can hear the weak, but steady beat of her heartbeat, song to his ears.

He takes her hand in his, brings it to his lips and then trails his thumb over her knuckles. He prays to God, prays to Zeus, prays to every god he knows for her. Because she can't die. His mind goes back to the events of this morning. He remembers that he didn't say 'I love you' to her. And he is now drowning in his regrets.

Late at night a nurse comes and tells him he must leave, he protests, he won't leave her, not again. Not until she wakes up, not until she hears that he loves her. He loves her so very much. The nurse doesn't change her mind though, gives him ten more minutes. He has been here for 4 days, day and night by her side. She is still asleep.

He grabs a paper and a pen and writes down his thoughts, his feelings. Then folds it and puts it under her hand, asks the nurses not to read it or take it away from there. They agree. It's the least they can do for him. He looks at her one more time, presses a kiss on her lips, says 'I love you' against them and leaves.

He goes home, lays on their bed and hugs her pillow. It smells like cherries, like her, he breathes her in and lets the sleep take over him. Maybe tomorrow she will wake up. And even if he isn't there at the time she does, she will read the letter, she will read his thoughts, she will read the words he should have said that morning.

_''It's so loud inside my head _

_with words that I should have said__. _

_As I drown in my regrets__._

_I can't take back the words I never said''_

**Lupe Fiasco**

**Reviews are welcome, marked as complete.**


	2. Chapter 2

It's been three weeks since her shooting. Three weeks and she hasn't woken up yet. And every day of those three weeks, he wakes up in cold sweat. The same nightmare every night. He can't sleep, he can't eat, he can't act normally, he misses her. Her smile, her eyes, her voice. A life without Kate Beckett is a living hell for him. He sighs as he gets up from their bed, gets dressed and then leaves, heading to the hospital. It has become his routine. Maybe today she will wake up.

Maybe.

The nurses smile at him as he enters her room and leave to give him some privacy. He looks down at the woman he fell in love with and feels his eyes water with unshed tears. He hasn't cried, no, he must be strong for her. She will wake up, she must wake up. Because if she dies, he will die with her too.

He grabs her hand, caresses it with his fingers, places a kiss on her palm and then he squeezes it lightly. _Wake up, _he tells her silently. He sees the paper he had folded under her other hand, hidden. The nurse kept her promise and didn't open it or read it.

He glances at her face, her pale skin mirroring his. Gently, he runs his fingers over her cheek, under her eyes and then over her lips.

_Wake up, please._

He covers her mouth with his, puts all the emotions he feels in one kiss, of course, she doesn't respond. She is asleep. He sinks in his chair again, defeated. Useless. He can't do anything for the woman he loves other than wait.

Later, the doctor comes, offers Castle a sad smile. He nods and watches as he checks her. And then she crashes. The sound of her beat on the monitor, stops. Flat line.

''No, no, what's happening?'' he asks. Nurses run into the room.

''Take him out of here'' the doctor orders. He can feel hands pushing him out of the room, at first he resists, he can't leave her. But all the strength he had, leaves his body. He crumbles, falls on the floor outside of her room. Hides his face between his knees and wraps his arms around them. He can hear the doctor yelling ''Clear'' over and over again. Trying to bring her back to life.

He cries.

This time he cries. He doesn't care about the other people around him watching him do it. Why the heck can't she wake up? He's angry, he's gone mad, he's sad, he's terrified that he will loose her, maybe he already has. And he can't accept that.

The only woman he truly loved, he truly admired is taken away from him. Why him? Why her? Why them? He doesn't understand why God keeps punishing them.

He doesn't know how many hours sits there, with tears streaming down his face. A hand touches his shoulder. He thinks it's her.

''Kate?'' he wonders as he turns around only to find a nurse.

''She's okay, she's going to be fine'' she assures him. He leans back against the wall, lets his head rest there. And then he leaves.

He comes back tomorrow. Brings breakfast to everyone at the hospital. As he opens the door of her room holding a mug, he almost chokes on his own coffee. There she is. Awake. Reading the piece of paper he had placed under her hand. He coughs and covers his mouth with his hand. She looks up and smiles at him. It's a small smile, a weak one but it's all he needs. He smiles back.

''_What makes life worth living is knowing that one day you'll wake up_

_ and find the person that makes you happier that anything in the whole world. _

_So don't ever lose hope and give up, everything turns out okay and the good guy always wins''_

**Thanks for the feedback everyone. I really appreciate it!**

**Reviews are welcome. So, should I mark it as complete now?Or you want a chapter in which they talk? Let me know what you think.**


	3. Chapter 3

''Hi'' she greets him, smiles again and returns to the paper. He is left speechless, frozen at the same spot, his jaw dropped open in shock. He can't believe it, she is awake?

''Kate?''he whispers, more to himself than to her ''Kate?'' he says again and finally moves further into the room and runs to her side. He wraps his arms around her body and hugs her tightly.

''Castle'' she whimpers ''Chest...Hurts'' she chokes out. He loosens his grip, mentally kicking himself for forgetting about her injury. He pulls away just to look into her eyes. Those beautiful eyes he hadn't seen in weeks. He had missed them, he had missed her.

''Sorry'' he tells her and plants a kiss on her forehead ''I'm so sorry''

Silence falls between both of them. So many things must be spoken, but left unsaid. They just want to enjoy the moment, lost in each others' embrace. She hides her face in the crook of his neck, tears rolling down her face, falling on his shirt. He can feel them, he cries too.

''I- how long?'' she asks.

''Too much'' he kisses her forehead again ''Too much'' then her cheeks, each of her eyelids and lastly her lips. This time she responds. She kisses him back. Even if her chest hurts like hell and she can't breathe properly, she doesn't care. It's a messy, passionate kiss. To him it means everything. It means that she is alive, she is awake and she is okay. It means that they are given another chance.

They pull back from each other slowly, both breathing heavily. He rests his forehead on hers. His nose touching hers.

''I'm sorry'' he starts and fights the lump in his throat and the tears in his eyes ''I'm sorry'' he repeats.

_Sorry for not being there. Sorry for giving up on you. Sorry for not saying I love you._

She smiles at first, then winces and brings a hand over her chest. Closes her eyes for a couple of seconds to bring herself together. The other hand still holds the paper. The words he wrote, the words she read, the words that left her breathless this morning. When she woke up she was scared, terrified. Nobody was there with her, and a nurse came in, helped her and then left. While she was trying to find a more comfortable position she felt something with her fingertips. She opened the letter and immediately recognized his handwriting.

''It's not your fault'' she says weakly, voice still raspy, throat still sore.

''I wasn't there to help you, Kate'' he murmurs against the skin of her right cheek.

''Castle-'' she cuts him off and grabs his hand, giving it a squeeze ''Sit down please'' He nods and sits at the chair next to her bed.

''I-I was an idiot'' he admits ''I shouldn't have yelled at you, I just wanted to keep you safe. I can't loose you, Kate. I can't. When Esposito and Ryan came at our loft, with blood on their clothes and hands, and when the explained to me what happened I almost fainted. You were shot again, Kate and it was too much, too much for me. I thought this would be the end. And for the last three weeks I have been coming here every day pleading you to wake up. But you didn't. And then one of those days you crashed in front of me. They took me outside, and I thought I had lost you, Kate. I could hear them trying to bring you back. For more than 1 hour I was in the hallway waiting. I-'' the tears are back and he can't stop them this time. It's the third time he cries this week. He can feel her hand traveling up his arm and resting on his forearm.

''Rick'' she sobs ''Look at me please'' He refuses to meet her eyes at first but then complies and moves his gaze to lock with hers.

''I love you'' she says, her voice weak and full of emotion. He gives her one of those famous Richard Castle smiles that reach his ears and she smiles back.

''You know how to make a man shut his mouth. Don't you?'' he chuckles, whipping the tears away ''I love you too'' he adds ''So very much''

''Then prove it'' she challenges him teasingly and she laughs as he stands up and comes closer to her bed. He leans down, their faces one breath away.

''Get better'' he places a kiss on her neck ''And I will show you'' then one on the right corner of her mouth ''how much I want you'' and one on the left corner of her lips ''how much I need you'' he whispers, his lips almost brushing hers. She closes her eyes, waiting impatiently for a real kiss. But then he pulls back.

''But first you need to get better'' he laughs in her face when he sees her disappointed look.

''You're such a killjoy'' she groans and then hisses. She can feel her chest burning again.

''Should I call a doctor?'' he asks, unsure of what to do to help. She shakes her head.

''No, I'm fine'' she assures him ''However there is something I want from you''

''Tell me again'' she says, and he knows what she means.

He brings his mouth close to her ear, lips touching her skin.

''I love you'' he whispers and she shudders.

Unexpectedly, leaving a yawn.

He smirks. ''Sleep, I will be right here'' he tells her, his voice soft and relaxing, encouraging her to close her eyes.

''And what if I won't wake up again?'' her eyelids are heavy and she is fighting hard in order not to close them.

''Then sleep and dream of us'' he says and gives her a small kiss this time on her lips. She hums and drifts off but not before saying _''I love you too, always''_

He sits back at his chair again. Watches as her chest goes up and down. Hoping that she will wake up again. Hoping that they will finally have their _always._

_I've got my eyes open wide to the ceiling__  
__I'm lying on my back in the center of a room__  
__I've got a voice giving me a funny feeling__  
__Its telling me the world's going to end real soon  
-_**Dub Fx -Made**

**Reviews are welcome, and they bring 24th of September closer (at least for me). Thanks for all the feedback, really appreciate it! Can I mark it as complete now? **


	4. Chapter 4

When he comes back from the meeting he had with Paula, he finds her in their bedroom in front of the mirror. Shirt open and fingers trailing over the exposed skin. He sighs as he makes his way inside the room and stands behind her. His arms wrapping around her body.

''Kate-'' he says, voice so quiet it comes out not more than a small whisper. Her eyes are on the mirror, locked on her chest. She turns around and sighs happily as she sinks into his embrace.

''Two more added to the collection, right?'' she jokes and snorts at the same time.

He holds her tighter against him, places a kiss on her forehead and allows his face to get lost in her hair one more time before she pulls away and offers him a sad small smile as she heads for the bed. Drags the covers down and lays under them. He follows her from behind and does the same. They stay in silence for a couple of minutes and then he hears her sniffle. He turns to look at her but only meets her back. Her shoulder's trembling lightly as she cries herself out.

''Kate'' he tries again. She shakes her head against her pillow.

''I'm fine'' she assures him, and that's a lie. Both of them know that. He searches for her hand under the covers, takes it in his own and forces her to turn her body around. She complies, reluctantly. He has seen her in her lows and highs but still it's hard for her to be open with other people. He looks straight into her eyes, sees them shimmering with more unshed tears and his heart breaks.

''Two more scars don't change anything, Kate. You're still gorgeous'' she smiles but he can see it in her eyes she isn't fully convinced, not at all actually.

Okay then, he will prove it to her.

He pushes the covers down, uncovering both of their bodies and puts a leg on its side of her thighs, straddling her. She stares at him with curious eyes, unaware of what is he going to do now. He brings his face close to hers and catches her lips with his own. His hands roaming over her body, up and down her sides and finally finding their place over her chest. They pull away and look at each others' eyes. He smiles against her lips and moves his gaze down. His fingers trail over the new two marks on her chest and he can feel her breath hitching and her body shuddering at his touch. He moves his lips on her neck, biting and nipping at it gently. Earning a moan from her. He continues south until he reaches the valley of her breasts, stops to admire her beauty and looks up at her.

''Do you know how beautiful you are?'' he wonders. A tear runs down her cheek and he's there to wipe it away with his thumb.

''You just want to see me in a swimsuit, don't you?'' she laughs and he grins at her. She runs a hand through his messy hair and bends down to place a kiss on the corner of his mouth.

''That too'' he supports his weight on his elbows, aware of the still injured area ''Kate, you're one of the most beautiful women I've ever met in my life and you know that I have met a lot of other women. These scars '' he points with his finger at the damaged skin ''show how much you've survived. They don't make you ugly, nothing on you is ugly, inside or out. Your assets and flaws are the things that make you extraordinary. Because, you, Kate Beckett are extraordinary. Don't you ever doubt that or I will be there to spank your ass!'' More tears are rolling down her cheeks now, tears of joy and happiness and love for this man. She cups his face with her hands and pulls him up as their lips met in a passionate kiss. He lets her lips with a loud smack when the need for air is too much. His wipes away the remaining tears and plants a kiss on the bridge of her nose.

''Do you believe me now or do you need me to prove it to you?'' he says and rocks his hips on her hers two times and she gasps. Feels _something _hard against her thigh. He lifts an amused eye-brow.

''Hmm...'' she hums ''To tell you the truth, I could use some-'' she's cut by his mouth over hers again.

After round two, oh wait, round three I meant, they wake up at the same time. So synchronized as always. He's smiling happily at her and tucks her higher against his body to nuzzle his nose between her neck and hair.

''Do you really believe what you said yesterday?'' she whispers and his eyes widen.

''You're doubting me again!'' he says and moves his hand on her hips.

''No – I-'' he spanks her ass two times unexpectedly and she pushes her hips on his by accident, causing both of them to growl in pleasure.

''Thank you very much, Rick. Now except from my chest, my ass hurts too'' she whines and it's so unlike her. He barks out a laugh and places his lips on her ear.

''Want me to kiss it?'' he asks, teeth sucking at her earlobe.

''Yes, oh I mean no- Castle stop it!'' she pouts ''Castle'' she wants to sound threatening but instead she's moaning his name as his hands touch every part of her body.

''Castle'' she tries one more time and he smirks evilly.

It's too late, she thinks. He's already sliding down the bed.

**I wasn't supposed to write this. Reviews are welcome, so do write me one and make me happy. **

**(Thanks for all the feedback guys!)**


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